Oh the humanity
by departedsoul13
Summary: While figuring out what to do with the revived,the Kages get some down time.The youngest in particular is wondering what he should do.But with a pissed off Temari,the Akatsuki bunking with the siblings,and the dead getting in the way,will calm ever come?
1. You Again! and Promiscuous?

**Hello again! departedsoul here! Yes, I have come up with yet another crack story. This first chapter isn't that amazing, or high as a kite chaos, but this sets the feel and what's going on. The next chapters however...XD*grins evilly* MUWAHAHAHAHA!**

*************Please read the following! It's VERY IMPORTANT! .**************

*****An important story note: Please note that this does not actually happen in the Naruto storyline, it is FANMADE and is only set during the time of the war. **

**Also...**

***********MAJOR SPOILER WARNING****!********

**If you are not up to date with the Naruto manga, and I believe even the Japanese anime, please do not read this. It will be sort of a major wet blanket if you're still reading about the Uchiha brother battle and you come to this...also if you still don't know who the leader of Akatsuki is...**

**Another note, I'm using a lot of relations in this story such as family. Example being Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro are siblings. The Third Hokage is Asuma's father. Things like that. If I'm forgetting someone, PLEASE TELL ME. Also, if anything is unclear about the story or about the relations, Naruto situation, or something's just bugging you-Or if I get a name/title wrong!PLEASE TELL ME.**

**I believe that's all I've got to say, so for now, enjoy the craziness and don't fall asleep on beaches! I did...I'm Indian and now my back says I'm African...no racist remark or comment intended there. My back is just that dark...Enjoy!**

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><p>Oh the humanity...<p>

It was a warm sunny day in the Land of Grass. The sun shone down and warmed one's skin on contact. The skies were blue and mostly free of wandering clouds, but a few fluffy cotton balls dotted the sky, lazily floating through the air. The Land of Grass was where the 5 Kages were currently at for another meeting. They had gained control of the Impure World Resurrection victims and now were trying to figure out what Kabuto was going to do next and what they should do with the revived corpses. Another thing was that the Third and Fourth Hokages had somehow been revived; seemingly wasting the chakra they had in their last living moments to summon the Demon that would seal them off from being summoned in death. It gave the living kages a headache and shudders just to wonder how Kabuto could of revived the two great fighters.

"Gaara, Kankuro! Hurry up! We're already late!"Temari hurried down the cobblestone walkway, her younger brothers walking more calmly behind. "We'll be fine."Kankuro shrugged off. "Come on! We can't have the Kazekage late!" "It's no big deal. Gaara will get there on time, just chill. We'll get even more behind if you trip over your own two feet and sprain your ankle on the way." "Do you realize what this meeting's about?"Temari asked her middle brother, still ahead of the two. Kankuro shrugged. "Battle strategies, Impure World Resurrection, Sasuke Uchiha, protect Naruto and Bee...The norm."The puppeteer said nonchalantly. Gaara nodded beside him as Temari entered the main building. "Aside from those normal points, we urgently need to discuss what to do with those revived.."Temari nodded from inside the building, hawk-hearing to receive Gaara's voice.

"That's why we need to get you there!"Temari said, still rushing, as her brothers also entered the building. "Relax, Temari, we're almost there."Kankuro pointed out. Temari decided it was time to ignore him. She knew if it wasn't for her, Gaara would have died from forgetting to eat and Kankuro would have slept right through a week of missions. Now they needed someone to rush them, and since it wasn't an epic, blood rushing fight, they probably would take their time. Scratch that. They _**WERE**_. "Temari, you're going to run into someone." Gaara pointed out. "Then that's their problem."The brothers began to quicken their pace a little bit, but Temari was still ahead of them, passing a conjoining corridor that lead into the hallway they were in. As Temari sped past, someone who was walking almost equally as fast-though not on purpose-ran into her, coming from the connecting hall. "Hey! Watch where you're going you brainless-"Temari looked up and stopped mid spitting comments. She stared, her mouth still open.

"I was wondering who'd be in such a hurry..."The Fourth Kazekage said, looking down at Temari and glancing over to the advancing Gaara and Kankuro. As the brothers stopped next to their sister, there was visible tension in the air. "Shouldn't you be in hell? Giving Satan his daily foot massage or something?"Kankuro asked, disgusted they ran into their father. "Cute. I'm on my way to the meeting, not that it's your business. Don't tell me one of you got appointed Kazekage...especially not him."He said, looking at Gaara. "Ding ding ding, we haave a winner!"Temari said. The dead man visibly tensed up. "They instilled a DEMON as kage?"He stiffly asked. "Mmhm."Temari said. "Well, technically not anymore. Gaara's as normal as the next guy now."Kankuro added. "What?" "He died when Akatsuki captured him and dissected the demon from him. Then Granny Chiyo gave up her life to bring him back to life." "That old hag died for HIM?"He asked. "Yeah, no prob. Hey shouldn't we be getting to the meeting?"Kankuro brought up.

"How anyone can die for a selfish being is completely beyond me. I find it utterly repulsive."The 4th Kazekage said. With that, he abruptly turned away and continued down the corridor to the meeting. Kankuro rolled his eyes. "He's just pissed." "Yeah, he's just jealous someone didn't die for HIM."Temari added nonchalantly as the three siblings started down the hallway as well.

As the three siblings pushed open the large wooden brown doors, they were greeted by the sight of a large room with a huge wood table in the middle. Surrounding the table, sitting all around it were important peoples such as the feudal lords and the kage. Including the dead kage. Also, there were some clan leaders there as well such as the Hyuuga's leader Hiashi and the Nara clan leader Shikaku being examples from the Leaf village. The children saw their father taking a seat, leaving two empty spots on each side of him. The three sand siblings headed that way and Gaara sat on the fourth's right.

"Now that everyone is here," The Fourth Raikage A began, "we can discuss a very important matter: what to do with the dead? We all know that they were under control of the Impure World Resurrection, but for some reason, now the link has been lost. We must consider whether or not it's safe to have these zombies around our Bijuu!What if this is all in Kabuto's plan?" "Calm down Lord Raikage."Shikaku Nara advised. "I'm not sure about it yet, but I have the feeling Madara's plan will soon kick into action. I am a bit sketchy as to whether or not it's safe to have these guys around, but for right now, how 'bout we just get info from them and monitor them?" "It's not like we can do anything else if you think about it..."The Fifth Mizukage put in. "Unless we were to seal them all..."

"That's why I personally think this is-for now-one of the only actions we can take."Shikaku said. "Maybe we can have Inoichi and the interrogators go through everyone's head..." "That could work..."The Yamanaka said, pondering his friend's words. "Also, we should note what abilities, bloodline traits, and jutsus everyone knows. That way, if they truly do go back under Kabuto, we know how to counter their moves. We don't have to exactly memorize them, we should just have the information on hand and know about the strongest opponents. With the information we'd know who the biggest threat was."Shikaku added. The Raikage seemed to ponder over this.

"True...Tsunade, again I'm saying I'm impressed with your caliber of ninja!"A said to the Fifth Hokage. Tsunade slightly smirked. "I'm glad. My ninja are truly ones to be feared."The Third Hokage sat next to her and chuckled. "It's been that way for ages..."Minato grinned from the other side of the Third, the Leaf village's kage line going out of order. "I'm glad to see that you've finally found what your brother's value is."A frowned. "It took a Double Lariat to the neck during a hell of a time on the battlefield to learn that, Yellow Flash. Kind of annoying hearing your voice in my head then, and I could just picture you smirk."Minato laughed. "I'm glad you learned it though."

"So what are we going to do in the meantime?"The Tsuchikage asked. "I guess we need to take this next while to book all of the dead and take record of their abilities.."Shikaku said. "Well I don't care what you do, as long as you get this dreadful war over with."The Land of Fire's feudal lord chimed. "Don't worry, we'll win this."Shikaku reassured. "Don't be making promises you can't keep."The Land of Lightning's feudal lord said. "Remember," The feudal lord from the Land of Earth began, "we have a deal. You protect us and we fund you. You work for our citizens and retain peace and we'll reward you." "We know."The Fourth Kazekage replied to a 'state the obvious' question and using an 'I'm bored' sort of tone.

"So, does that technically mean we kages sort of get a break?"The Mizukage asked, surprised and delighted. "Yes...I think it sort of does..."The Raikage realized."YES!"Tsunade exclaimed, standing up and throwing her arms up in the air as a signal to freedom and victory. "Um...Lady Tsunade..."Shizune nervously began, "you sort of already have...well...you sort of already act.." "Shizune! Make reservations for us at a hot spring! One that's near a casino/bar!"Tsunade ordered, interrupting Shizune's point. "Um...yes...right away Lady Tsunade.."Shizune nervously and shyly replied, fearing their outing and realizing she was being ignored. "Alright, I think this meeting is dismissed now!"The Raikage announced, standing up and slamming his hands on the table.

"Gaara, do you want to do anything during your break?"Temari asked her redheaded little brother as the siblings departed the meeting room. "And DON'T say paperwork."Kankuro added. Gaara remained silent for a bit as the three walked back down the path they had taken when hurrying to the meeting. Once they reached the outside cobblestone path, the teen responded. "I guess I'll just relax then.."He said, seeming a little hesitant at the idea. "That's good."Temari said. "Tem, should we find Granny Chiyo? She's alive and all, I saw her during the first part of war.."Kankuro said. "Hm, I don't know...Gaara? She is the reason you're alive right now.."Temari said to her little brother. "I'm sure she'll show up."Gaara said. "Whether we like it or not."Kankuro said hushed under his breath. "I know Sasori-nii rested and all, but he's alive again...I want to visit him."The puppeteer announced. "That's right, they re-summoned some people..."Gaara silently murmured mostly to himself.

"You have fun with that. I think you two were adopted by the Fourth and your biological father is Sasori."Gaara and Kankuro stopped immediately as the words nonchalantly left their older sister's mouth. "What?"Gaara asked, not hiding his shock and being sprung by something he had unforeseen. "Temari...he's like...35!" "So?"The blond sister said, stopping once she had realized her little brothers froze. "And I'm 18!" "And I'm 19 and Gaara's 16. I'm glad you can count your age Kankuro."Temari replied. "He would have been 17!" "Your point?" "That's too young."Gaara said. "Stuff happens nowadays."Temari nonchalantly waved off. "By saying he's our dad you're saying that you're Gaara's and my half sister! You're saying he slept with our mother!"

"That..."Gaara's face was priceless as he stopped with one word. His eyes were bugged out, purely startled and shocked. "That would be an affair."Gaara announced, regaining his composure. "Besides, Sasori left before we were even born."He continued. "You all in all said that our mother while married and _**RIGHT AFTER HAVING YOU**_ began an affair with a **SEVENTEEN** year old _**MISSING NIN**_ and became pregnant and gave birth to me. Then for _**TWO YEARS**_ she either stopped the affair or continued having it, became pregnant with Gaara and all while the **FOURTH KAZEKAGE** _**HER HUSBAND**_ had to know about it! **Do you seriously think that man would accept that**?"

Gaara lost his composure again, his eyes once again bugging out, frozen. Temari continued to stand nonchalantly listening to her little brother's rant. She sighed. "Kankuro, you never let me have any fun. Can't you take a joke?" "Not when it's like that..."Gaara mumbled, catching Temari's attention but not any attacks. "Especially when it's random ass as hell like that one..."Kankuro said under his breath as well, earning Temari's attention too, but like Gaara no attacks. She sighed again. "You two..."Temari began to continue down the cobblestone path, her heels clicking on the stones as she journeyed to the house the three siblings were inhabiting during their stay there. Gaara shook his head. "I'd prefer to think that he was our brother."He said to Kankuro. The puppeteer nodded. "Tell me about it..."

The two continued to walk slowly down the path when Gaara said something. "You know, she said that our mother could have had an affair with Sasori, because you like puppets and I have red hair." "Yeah..."Kankuro agreed, wondering where his little brother was headed with that statement. "But the same can be said about her...Our mother could have had an affair with Konoha's Yellow Flash, the Fourth Hokage..."Kankuro stopped. "Maybe we should stop before we drag Mother Karura's name through the mud anymore...She's beginning to become way too much of a mistress..."Gaara nodded. "Just saying."The two continued walking when Kankuro spoke up. "You know, I heard the Flash's wife was a redhead..."

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><p>LOYAL READERS!HI! I was considering whether or not to make the 'Not only Luke gets it...'(aka Sasori is your father or 'promiscuous')yes, those were all possible 'if I make this into a chapter' names) part a chapter alone but I felt it would be boring if I left the story as is...or was...it just wouldn't have any 'shabang!' to it...hm...I still might separate it...I also might revise this...some of your are probably thinking 'doesn't she say that at the end of every chapter of every story she writes?'well...yeah...i just have to take that first step...haha..<p>

!Next time, the Sand Siblings decide to chill out for the day, but with the arrival of some unexpected visitors and a certain angry blond female...things might just not happen out that way...heh heh heh...sorry boys!

Please review ^.^

***** updates on my other stories this summer! And you are extremely welcome to PM me to update them ANY TIME. Haven't read any of my stories? They're all sort of crack XD but they intrigue the depths of your mind...i guess... just click the blue link of my name-departedsoul13-at the top and if you want read em! Review if you want me to add more CRAZINESS!Which we all love...or just review to make a certain author feel good...that's always SUPER welcomed.3

~departedsoul13

~*Thanks for reading*~!Stay tuned!~3


	2. Puppeteer Vs Wild

**Hey. It's common sense that I don't own Naruto. Or Man Vs. Wild. Or Advil even. **But hey, some people out there just need to read these things eh? But a side note is that:

Even if I owned Naruto or something famous like an anime or something**, I would still write fanfictions, just to see what people would say about them XD **

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><p>Chapter 2. Puppeteer Vs. Wild<p>

**WARNING: Bear Grylls wasn't used in the making of this fanfic, though that would probably have been a good idea in hindsight.**

"Kankuro, wake up."A muffled voice that sounded distant said. "Kankuro."It said again after a moment. Kankuro fought to open his sleep-ridden eyelids. His efforts were awarded with an instantaneously blinding light when they opened a mere crack. "Kankuro."The voice said again, sounding as if it were growing impatient. "Wake up baka!"It yelled or ordered. As soon as the voice issued its command, Kankuro's face met a sharp unyielding slap. "OW!"The puppet master yelled, roaring to life. "What was that for?"He yelled sitting up, nursing his injured face.

Temari put her hands on her hips. "Come on." "Whaddaya mean, 'come on'?"Her brother asked, annoyed. "Breakfast."The blond said. "We don't have anything to do today! Don't you want to sleep in?"He asked. "I'm used to waking up early you know."She said. Temari turned away, looking out the window. "Besides, we have one last meeting today. Gaara told me."She added before the middle child could protest. "Oh."He said in response. "About what?"He inquired.

"I'd assume about how to deal with the dead."She wagered. Kankuro nodded. "Right."A moment of silence ensued. "Hey, Temari?" "Yes?"The blond asked, turning to her brother. "Can you leave so I can actually get dressed?"Temari blinked. She sighed and on her way out mumbled something about guys and sleeping in their boxers. As the door shut, Kankuro got out of bed to grab his usual puppeteer garb and to get a start on the day.

Once he was done dressing he exited his room, Temari's presence greeting him. "Do me a favor and shower later."She said grimacing. Kankuro shrugged. His manly aroma was too much for women. Out of seemingly nowhere and instantly, Kankuro was sprayed in the face and all over by an assault of cologne. "AHH! Temari what are you doing!"He screamed, trying to duck away from the oncoming assault of AXE. "I'm saving rep for Suna."She said as she continued attacking her brother. "STOP IT!"He said, coughing after and choking a bit from the overpowering smell of cologne.

Kankuro waved his hands to try to disperse the cloud of fragrance. He glared at his sister. "You really didn't have to do that."He said before coughing again. Temari shrugged. "If you showered like Gaara I wouldn't."She said, turning away to walk down out of their living room and out the door, leaving her brother to follow after her, fleeing the AXE scent. Unfortunately for Temari, he complained the whole way. "Man," Kankuro whined, "this stuff smells horrible."With no response from his sister, he continued his rant. "And it smells really familiar."He daringly and cautiously sniffed his sleeve. "Wait a minute...is this...AXE?"Temari silently nodded.

"MY AXE?"He asked again. Another nod. "Wait, so you stole my AXE and then attacked me with it!" "It's not like you ever use it."Temari pointed out. "How would you know? It's mine!" "I bought it for you last Christmas!"She backfired, then pulling out the can. "And look-"She said, shaking the can, "it's still mostly full!" "Mostly."Kankuro said. "Yes, mostly. As in, I used almost a quarter of it this morning on you."She explained. "Now that I'll believe."The brunette said under his breath with one of his signature annoyed facial expressions.

Temari stopped at a door to her left inside the main building and walked inside with her brother following. "Well whaddaya know, Gaara's eating!"Kankuro exclaimed. Indeed, the redheaded kage was sitting at a brown wooden table with a white glass of some steaming beverage in hand, staring down at a small neat stack of white papers. The stack caught Kankuro's eye, who was already across the room helping himself to the breakfast buffet. "Aw come on Gaara. Remember? On vacation equals no paperwork."

Gaara looked up. "It's important."Temari looked over the kage's shoulder. "A request from the feudal lord about a certain village blah blah blah, water...other useless non-important things..."She looked at Gaara. "This isn't important."She deemed, snatching the boy's bills away from him. "Temari..."Gaara said, a tone of irritancy or warning in his voice. "Nope."She said stubbornly. "Get your own new hobby."She ordered.

Kankuro's plate was filled and he made his way over to Gaara after grabbing some warm tea. "Gaara you should eat more."He said, his mouth full of bread, still journeying to the table. As Temari left with Gaara's papers, Kankuro turned to avoid her and in the process kicked the table. "OW! Shit!"He cursed, his tea suddenly spilling all over him.

"CRAP! OW!HOT!"He exclaimed, dropping his tray of food on the table and running out of the room cursing and screaming. Gaara stared at the empty door and then resumed eating, shaking his head and pondering why he was stuck with such simpleminded siblings and trying to come up with some reason to be grateful for them.

"This is not my day..."Kankuro sulked as he was back in his room changing. He had run past Temari who remarked, "Well, now you have to shower and change.", which made his AXE shower even more despicable now. The brunette quickly bathed and dressed in actual clean clothes. In between the two, he had applied the burn cream Temari had dropped off in his room during his shower. He shook his head and quickly exited his room as he finished changing, heading off to get a new start for breakfast.

Upon arrival however, Kankuro stared at the room in disbelief. "Where did all the food go...?"He asked, stomach rumbling on cue, looking to Gaara for answers. The redhead remained calm as he wiped his mouth with a napkin and Temari ate silently next to him. "Gone."The kage replied. "Gone _where_?"The puppet master inquired. "Somewhere."Temari replied with a smirk. "WHERE?"Kankuro screamed. "The other kages have to eat too you know."Temari said.

"They can't have all eaten while I was gone for about 10 minutes!"The brunette yelled, ignoring the realization that they actually could have. Gaara shrugged again and took a sip of his tea. "Stop sitting there calmly! I'm starving!"Kankuro yelled. Gaara looked at him, a slight glare on his face. "It's cider actually."He seemingly hissed. "_**Apple **_cider."He specified. Kankuro stared at him, a bit freaked out. 'Great, now my brother has a cider fetish. An _**apple**_ cider fetish.' He specified, doing as his brother had done. Gaara stood up. "I'm going to the meeting."He said as he left. "What?"Kankuro said seeing Temari get up as well and begin to leave.

"Wait, Temari!"The blond stopped. "What am I supposed to eat?"She shrugged. "There's a village nearby, try there. I'm sure there's some sort of restaurant there."She said, beginning to leave again. "Temari!"The puppeteer yelled to no avail. He growled. "Do you know how far away that is? And they're probably swarmed this time of day!"He shook his head and growled. This day sucked. With that, the black clad master of puppets stomped out of the cozy compound the kages were meeting in and out into the serene, peaceful scene of nature. Or so it seemed.

"About the Rinnegan..."Nagato said, talking to the kages, "it's already fallen into Kabuto's hands once, do me a favor and make sure it doesn't again." "Of course, that's kind of what we're trying to ensure here."An irritated Fourth Kazekage said. Gaara walked in at this point with Temari following. He sat down next to his father. "Hell. Tell me one of you brought something distracting."The Fourth asked his children. They shook their heads. "Screw this."He growled as he turned to face the rest of the table once more.

If there was a time in his life that Gaara had missed the insomnia powers of the Shukaku, it was there, then, and now. The whole meeting was a boring, quiet argument over things that people forgot. Basically. It was filled with apologies and reminisces of old wars, bloody battles, even old love-triangles. Gaara's one insistent thought was, "What the hell does any of this stuff have to do with the Impure World Resurrection technique?" And so he asked that. The Raikage looked at him astonished.

"Why nothing, this is just a meeting to reminisce!"Gaara swore a vein visibly popped in his forehead. He stood up, praying he was gone before the urge to annihilate the room swept over himself. "Then may I be excused please?"He hissed, struggling, sounding like a little boy wanting to leave the dinner table soon. The Fourth Kazekage's eyes widened. He had never heard Gaara say that word, 'please'. Or even that phrase! It was historical. 'He must really be fighting his homicidal urge then. Maybe he has changed...'The dead man pondered as Gaara left, receiving his permission to flee.

"And that **_wasn't_** _a waste of my time_?"He hissed at Temari as they briskly walked down the wood hall and down towards their outside residence.

_**Meanwhile, with Kankuro...**_

"What the hell? Why is it even snowing!"Sure enough, Kankuro was holding his arms across himself and stomping his way through the cold mushy snow. After barging out of the main building, Kankuro headed straight off into the nearby woods. 'Cause that makes perfect sense to do when you're hungry. If you're a woodsman that is. "It was just freakin spring time! Hey! Oh no...Why the hell is it snowing now!"The hungry puppeteer complained as it began to lightly snow. "SCREW THIS COUNTRY! I'M FRIGGIN STARVING!"

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><p>"How do you think Kankuro is?"Temari asked Gaara as they walked back to their dorm. Gaara stopped, blinked, and looked around. "You didn't even know he'd left, did you?"She asked. The redhead remained stoic. "I think he left on his search for food..."Gaara continued his calmness and proceeded to continue walking.<p>

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><p>Kankuro coughed. It wasn't just lightly snowing anymore, it was starting to get into the winter spirit. Kankuro cursed nature as he journeyed through the snow, starving, and only then did it dawn on him to wonder why the heck he was in the middle of nowhere-or the woods- when he was searching for something to eat. And that's when he saw it. A small rabbit hopped up onto a nearby tree stump. Kankuro grinned. Anything was good enough.<p>

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><p>Gaara and Temari entered their temporary home. Gaara made himself comfortable on the couch and picked up a book to read while Temari sat beside him and turned the TV on. She yawned. "Hey, do you think Kankuro will be driven into an insane woodsman by the time he gets back?"Temari idly asked as she channel surfed. Gaara kept his face buried in his book. "<em>If<em> he gets back."The redhead said.

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><p>It was war. Kankuro dove for the rabbit and dramatically missed, landing in a huge pile of snow. The rabbit looked after him. "Screw you rabbit. Heh, mocking me, think I can't get you, hell! My brother was the Shukaku's host!"He screamed. And that led to a war cry as he charged the rabbit.<p>

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><p>"Anything good on?"Gaara uncaringly asked as Temari continued channel surfing and he continued reading. "Nothing yet."She said bored.<p>

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><p>"FOR SPARTA!"Kankuro screamed, rushing the rabbit. The bunny hopped of the stump, dodging the Suna nin's attack. "Oh, you're good."Kankuro admitted grinning. It should be my liberty to point out now that Kankuro has officially lost it. Oh, but you already knew that. Carry on.<p>

Kankuro resumed his normal cocky stance and stared at the rabbit. "Hmph."He said grinning. "You're just a rabbit, what am I doing? I'm so hungry I'm losin it."He said, beginning to turn away. But he had no idea how big of a mistake that was.

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><p>Gaara sighed. "I'm bored. Give me my paperwork back." "Gaara, I know you're not the normalest of people, but are you seriously saying that paperwork will cure your boredom?" "Not really, but it's not like I have anything better to do." "True." "So can I have it back now?"The redhead asked politely. "Nope."Gaara glared.<p>

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><p>A high pitch scream which resembled a man with laryngitis's rang throughout the forest. "AAAHHHH! GET IT OFF ME!DEMON RABBIT!HEEELLPP MMEEE!"Kankuro screamed, running around in circles with a psychotic rabbit attached to his shoulder. "I'M GONNA GET RABIES!"When Kankuro had turned around, the rabbit switched to its demon mode.<p>

AKA, sharp, pointy, yellow, rabid teeth, demon sharp black eyes, and hell's growl. "GET IT OFF MEEE!"Kankuro screamed, quickly daring to grab the rabbit's tiny body and successfully fling it who knows where in the forest. The brunette stopped running around in circles and panted. Screw this. Getting chased by Satan's rabbit had proved tiring. With that, he turned around and followed his footprints home.

On his way however, he saw a deer peeking out from a few trees. Sighing, he called it over. "Hey Bambi, I'm not gonna hurt you. Much."He added irritated. The deer came over to him cautiously.

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><p>"SCREW THIS!GIMME MY FREAKIN PAPERWORK BEFORE I FREAKING CUT OFF ALL FOUR OF YOUR PONYTAILS!"Gaara uncharacteristically screamed, freaking out into a bored, enraged tantrum and seizing Temari's hair. "They're pigtails!"She screeched back. "AND HELL NO!GET OFF OF ME!"With that, she simply and swiftly brought in both of her legs and kicked him off of her. In the ribs. The Kazekage curled up on the ground in pain. "Te...ma...rii..."He groaned, in pain. She sighed and shook her head. "I'll get some Advil..."<p>

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><p>The deer walked over to Kankuro and sniffed him. It immediately recoiled, let out some sort of a snort or whinny and quickly fled. Kankuro looked around and wondered what it was all about. For about four seconds that is. A larger deer came out of nowhere and gave Kankuro a strong two-legged kick in the ribs and in the gut. And then repeated. For about five to ten minutes.<p>

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><p>Gaara laid on the couch calmly finally. He had gotten his painkillers, a wet cloth, and control of the TV remote. He should be fine. Temari looked up as the door opened. "Kankuro."She said surprised. "You're alive." "Barely."He grunted from between his teeth as he staggered over to the couch adjacent Gaara's. "What happened to you...?"Temari warily asked, though curious.<p>

"Run in with nature."He grunted, sounding as though in a large amount of pain. "First a Satanic rabbit, then frickin evil Bambi."He groaned. "Temari..." "I know I know, the Advil, I got it."With that, Temari set to work nursing her other brother's wounds and wondering how they hell the three of them hadn't killed each other before.

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><p><strong>HEY<strong>. **So, how was it? No rabbits or deer were harmed in the making of this fanfic. Puppeteers however...I can't assure you. Don't worry, as in most of my fics (I think) the crack level continues to climb. And hey, Advil solves everything...right? It's the duct tape of the pharmaceutical realm.**

**!NEXT CHAPTER! **

**Another boring meeting? A pissed off Temari takes her rage out on two annoying brothers. Meanwhile, an appearance of the Akatsuki at the Sand Sibling's door leads to chaos. A super ultra mega P.O'd kunoichi stampedes in next chapter! See ya there!**

Oh yeah, don't forget to review please, otherwise I WILL sick the Satanic Rabbit on you. Trust me. It will find you.

I'm just kidding! But feedback's always welcome! Thank you and muchas gracias for reading!

WHOA! Almost forgot! Happy early Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for my computer ^.^ and socks. Have you ever realized how amazingly awesome socks are? How much we take them for granted? (Even though half the time I'm barefoot, as in, when I'm not required to wear shoes at school) No, I don't have a sock fetish. Stop judging me! Just review or something, ok? Stay thankful!

**_~departedsoul13_**

**_P.S did my Kankuro remind anyone else of Hidan...? _o.O**


	3. The Trouble With Puppets

Welcome back! Sorry I've been gone for a while...a very long while...I forget to update a lot during the school year, so I'll try to work on now I'm just procrastinating on my homework. And you thought I didn't care! Also, I've been working on my new story, 'The Ouran Pokémon Trainers.' AAANND, I'm trying to make 'Hospital Madness' make sense...well, could this chapter be the one we've all been waiting for-AKATSUKI!? Well..you'll see.

Btw...Itachi is my hero...all these war chapters make me regret his death even more. *cries*

But enough of the waterworks, let's get this party started!

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><p>Chapter 3:The Trouble With Puppets<p>

Temari sat at the kitchen island hunched over and tapping her nails against the marble countertop. A frown was etched on her face and she appeared to be in a concentrated, upset mood. The house was silent as she sat there, brooding. Gaara was in his room, reading, and Kankuro was secluded away in his own quarters, working on his puppets. She sighed. There was nothing to do! Her head jerked up as she heard a door squeak, Kankuro's.

The black-clad puppeteer exited his room and made his way toward his sister as he carried Crow, one of his puppets.

"Hey Tem?"He asked as he approached her.

"Yes?"

"Can you help me out with Crow? I can't tell if this arm is lighter than the other one." Temari moved both arms of the puppet.

"They seem the same to me."She said. Kankuro sighed.

"Are you sure? Because I think that they're a little bit different."

"Then fix them. He's your puppet after all."She said as she went back to tapping the countertop.

"I guess so."Kankuro mumbled. On his way back to his room, Kankuro dropped Crow on the couch. Temari sighed again. Still nothing to do.

'Maybe I should take one of those relaxing baths that people seem to take when they want to be stress-free or relaxed...'She absently thought. That thought brought flashbacks of her experiences at bath houses and hot springs in the Land of Fire. She wished Suna had such things, but alas, in the desert they needed to conserve water, so no fancy bathing areas existed.

Temari finally got up, deciding that she would ponder what to do while in the bath. So going to her room, she gathered up all her bath items, clothes (since Gaara and Kankuro complained when she walked from even one room to another in only a towel. Gaara actually didn't complain, he just averted his eyes or gave her a weird or disapproving look.), towel, and anything else she needed and took them to the spacious bathroom next to her room. Once her water was ready, she hopped in and stayed in for about half an hour.

However, she was forced out when she heard what sounded like soon death for a certain puppet-master going on outside her sanctuary. Growling as she exited the bath, Temari dried off and dressed herself before going to see what her unstable brothers were doing now. Once she left she was greeted by what appeared to be a giant pile of sand in their living room being stared at by a cross-armed, redheaded Kazekage. Not to mention being controlled by. Temari stared at the pile of sand and sighed. No doubt Kankuro was buried under there.

The Suna nin walked up to her little brother, the one that was still visible. "So, what's going on?"She casually asked, watching the pile of sand slowly grow larger. "Not much."The redhead replied. Temari nodded. "So...Kankuro under there?"She questioned. "Uh-huh."Gaara replied. Temari sighed again. "What'd he do this time?"She inquired. In the pause between her and Gaara's statements, what sounded like muffled screams came from the sand mound. And of course, they were ignored.

"Well..."Gaara began. "I was walking out of my room when Kankuro began interrogating me about his puppets."He started. "I told him they looked fine and he should take care of them, as they're his after all."Temari nodded, urging him to continue. "Anyways, he wouldn't take no for an answer and was getting very annoying. That and him shoving puppets in my face was not a good combination. And so...I couldn't think of anything else to do."Gaara ended, referring to his way of shutting his brother up. Temari slowly nodded. "Right..."She looked at the mound.

"Kankuro! Are you still alive in there?" "MMMF! MmMm!" "I suppose that's a yes.."The fan wielder decided. "Gaara, you can unbury him please."She asked or demanded. Inwardly, she groaned. Was this really what she had to deal with? As Gaara's sand began to back down, Kankuro emerged panting. "I thought I was gonna die!" "Nothing new."Temari said, inspecting her nails. If she looked at Kankuro, she might grab him by his cat ears and throw him for all he was worth...which, she was tempted to say, wasn't much.

"Just get back to working on your puppets."Gaara said, taking his leave. Kankuro stood up, looking angry and bewildered. "Temari!"Said sister looked up. "Yes?" "What the hell just happened!?"Temari sighed. "Same thing that happens every day, idiot."With that, Kankuro furiously left to his room. Temari then decided to go for a walk, as Kankuro had a habit to be extremely loud when in a bad mood.

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><p>Upon journeying outside and not even have entering the main compound, a blond haired Lightning-nin passed her by. "I can't believe they're actually tolerating the Akatsuki around here."The sensor said. With that news being gleaned, she immediately turned back to her temporary residence to obtain info from a certain redhead. After storming into the house, she slammed Gaara's door open.<p>

Said kage looked up from the book he was reading. "Yes?"He asked dryly, learning years ago not to question Temari's approach at things. "The Akatsuki are revived and here?"She asked with a serious expression on her face. Gaara slowly nodded like she was a four year-old with a tail and horns. "Wait, the Akatsuki were revived?"The two siblings turned to see Kankuro at Gaara's door. "Sweet!"The puppeteer yelled. "C'mon Gaara, let's go!" "Where?"The redhead asked. "To find Master Sasori! I have GOT to ask him about Crow, Black Ant, and-" "Great. Have fun."Gaara dismissed, turning back to his book.

"Oh no."The kage looked up again as Kankuro grabbed his arm. "You're coming too. That guy's a genius, you'll see." "He killed me to extract the demon contained in my body."Gaara said icily. "And he nearly killed me! See how strong he is!?"The puppeteer babbled. Before Gaara could command a Sand Coffin to devour the older ninja up, he was dragged away and out of the house while Kankuro continued rambling about puppets and Sasori's greatness, leaving Temari alone.

Temari looked at a nearby clock. "Time sure flies when you're babysitting psychotic children."She said, leaving the house herself. Kankuro and Gaara were already gone from the nearby area. The fan wielder walked to the meeting room in the main compound, ready for an invigorating discussion about the kages and the dead. Woo.

"Temari, right?"The same blond sensor nin she saw earlier asked. "Yep."She confirmed. "It's good that you made it. Without you there wouldn't be an even number of people."Temari sweat-dropped as she looked around the room, counting herself, the sensor, another Lightning nin, Shikamaru, two Mist nin, and two ninjas from Iwagakure. Why exactly did it matter if she was there and if there was an even number?

"As we know, the Akatsuki have recently joined us here."C explained. "Now we have a big problem." 'Really.' Temari thought. 'We have a league of super villains with us and that's a problem?' "Where the heck are we going to put them!?"Temari snapped back to reality and looked around for cameras. There they were, top-notch ninja, sitting around their meeting table as if in a discussion circle at some clinic. Really? Where the HELL they were going to PUT them? That was the largest issue at hand!?

"Aren't the Akatsuki too dangerous to put near the kages?"The older mist nin asked. "Yes. That's why Nara-san over there has devised a plan."Everyone looked at Shikamaru, who seemed oblivious for a while that he had some sort of plan. "Right."He said out loud. "Ok, so the Akatsuki are dangerous. My initial plan was to just kill them again, but since that's pretty troublesome, we might as well just keep them here." "And where are they going?"The female Earth nin asked. "Oh. Yeah. I don't know. Kiba and Naruto were really ecstatic about the Akatsuki staying with them, wanting to fight and all, but that's a drag so they just go where they go."Nara explained casually. Temari stared at the usually genius teenager. They go where they go. Brilliant!

No one was happier than Temari when the meeting ended. It took all the professionalism she had to not bolt out of the meeting room's doors. Sure, Shikamaru's proposition to a less-pressing matter was irking, but once the discussion turned to Team Sasuke vs. Team Itachi, she knew she had to leave. Not that the useless gossip about the Akatsuki wasn't interesting, she just felt tortured and as though she had wasted a good hour of her life.

Which she had.

As she eagerly left down the hallway, Temari realized she should check on Kankuro and Gaara. More importantly, Kankuro, who for all she knew had already been eaten by carnivorous sand. 'He said he was going to visit Sasori.' The blond remembered. 'Right. According to that meeting the Akatsuki are being temporarily housed over here in this hall...'She thought as she turned a corner. How would she find Sasori now? Quite easily. Having a puppet obsessed brother helped a bit, so she could sniff out wood shavings and metal with finesse.

Upon tracking down the scent like some Bloodhound, she promptly shoved Sasori's door open, only to be greeted by...Wait for it...

An amazing amount of nothing! Now what's behind door number two?

Wow. More nothing.

Yes, as Temari investigated Sasori's closet, bathroom, and...other closet..., she discovered nothing retaining to her brothers. Giving up, the kunoichi returned to her residence. Once inside she was greeted by the sight of Kankuro eagerly chattering away on the couch to a disinterested looking Gaara, who was trying quite hard to get the TV off of Dora the Explorer. It was quite sad actually, how enraged the redheaded teen looked by the sight of a little girl speaking Spanish.

"What the hell is this?!"Gaara hissed as he quickly pressed buttons on the TV remote to no avail. "And it's made out of this super durable wood, can't be eaten by termites or even be scratched by titanium, so they say."Kankuro continued rambling despite his audience of one's lack of attention. "Hm? What are you rambling about now Kankuro?"Temari asked as she stood behind the couch watching Dora teach the color red.

"Rojo!"Kankuro happily told Dora. "Shut it Kankuro!"Gaara ordered as he began hitting the remote. "Oh, yeah."Kankuro turned to Temari. "I ordered a new puppet!"He raved. "Great. Just what you needed. ANOTHER puppet."Temari dryly replied. "I know right? Awesome! This puppet is going to be invulnerable!" "Fantastic."Temari replied absently, watching Swiper try stealing from Dora. Really, the idea of a creepy fox approaching a small girl and her monkey in the woods was pretty messed up. Dora got jumped in every episode! What a plot kill.

"So Kankuro," Temari began again, realizing something, "where did you obtain the money for this so called, "invulnerable" puppet?"She asked curious, as Kankuro spent his money on puppetry items often. "Oh, uh, well..."The boy began to stammer and Temari raised an eyebrow, suspicious. "Well?" "It sorta just came..."He awkwardly replied. Temari continued staring at him. "Ok, ok, Gaara gave it to me!"At this, the redhead snapped out of his rage (which at the time seemed to consist of him gnawing on the remote...or about to...) and glared at Kankuro.

"What did you say?"The redhead asked with venom coating his words. "You gave me the money for my puppet!"The puppeteer quickly yelled. "Gaara..."Temari said in a warning tone, scrutinizing the kage. As exciting as a staring contest with Gaara, the emotionless Kazekage, was, Temari knew when enough was enough. "Where exactly did Kankuro's money come from?"The sister hissed. Gaara glared at her but then gave in, keeping up his glare nonetheless.

"Well, Kankuro kidnapped me to visit Sasori, who was absent from his room at the time. So we came back here, but Kankuro for the whole expedition was whining and rambling about puppets and Sasori. He got so annoying that I told him I'd get him a damned new puppet!"The redhead confessed. "Yes...aaannd..."Temari urged. "We got back here and Kankuro found a puppet he liked. However, neither of us had money on hand..."Temari's eyes widened. Through gritted teeth, she addressed Kankuro.

"And where did you get this money from?"Kankuro turned away from her. "First National Bank of Temari..."He quietly said. Temari's eyes widened more and she ran to her room. The sounds of her digging through things frantically were heard in the living room, along with Dora's cries of, "We did it!" Before Gaara could cuss back at Dora, Temari stormed back into the room.

"You took my money!?"She yelled. "How else were we supposed to pay for the puppet?!"Kankuro defended, right after speaking was he hit dead center in the face with a vase that Temari had grabbed from off a nearby table. "If you break that you're paying for it."Gaara calmly said, only to get an object thrown at himself. "No, YOU'LL pay for it as you and that hooded weirdo over there robbed me!"She screamed. With that, before throwing more projectiles at the boys, Temari stormed back into her room and slammed the door behind her.

Kankuro rubbed his face and looked at Gaara. There was silence. "Now to fix this damned-"Suddenly, Temari stampeded out of her room, snatched the remote from Gaara, and subsequently smashed it to pieces. After, she marched to her room, slamming her door behind her once more. Gaara stared at the tiny pieces of the remote and then back at the TV screen portraying Dora. The horrified look on his face could have scared Satan away. A stream of anguished cusses left his mouth as Dora began asking whether or not she should cross the river or take the mountain path to get to her party.

The blissful idiot, Kankuro informed her that the mountain path would be quicker and was rewarded with a Sand Coffin from his ever-so-proud brother for being Oh-So-Freaking-Right.

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><p>Approximately an hour and seven Sand Coffins later, Temari left her room to talk to her brothers, one of which had descended one more into madness. Temari stared at her brothers and then spoke to them. "Let's talk."She said, earning skeptical looks from the younger brothers. "Come on."She urged, gesturing the two towards her room. Why they couldn't talk in the living room, the two guys had not a clue. Perhaps it had something to do with the Dora the Explorer marathon on and Gaara's cryptic mumblings to himself and someone named, "The Map." The two teens entered their sister's room and she shut the door behind her as she entered last.<p>

She approached them slowly and cautiously, as if a lioness hunting her prey. Then she walked over to her closet and gestured for the two to follow. "I had to apologize to you two for screaming." That's it. Once those words hit the two ninja's ears they knew something was up. "I decided to show you why my money is so important to me."The boys looked at her closet and she nodded. "In my closet somewhere there's a kimono I brought along with me. Do you see it?"She asked the two, earning shakes of the head.

"Look closer."She said. The guys walked up to Temari's clothes and began sorting through them, trying to find her kimono. "I don't see it, Tem."Kankuro said, looking at her. "Keep looking."She urged. "It might have fallen behind that rack."She remarked, causing the boys to look behind the rack. "No, Tem. I still don't see-" "HIIIIIYYYYAAA!"Quickly, Temari demonstrated her ninja training as she karate chopped Kankuro in the head, knocking him out and sending him falling to the floor of her closet. Gaara's attention was attracted and as he faced her he summoned up his sand from his gourd to assist him in battling his sister. Before he could attack however, Temari made her move.

"Hey, Gaara."The older sister said, catching the redhead's attention. He regarded her cautiously and stood in a ready stance. As he began to go into his attack, he was stopped by Temari yelling, "Swiper no swiping!"Gaara's eyes quickly widened and he began screaming, sinking to the floor of Temari's closet and clutching his head in insanity. Temari took this psychotic break as a chance for her to steal Gaara's gourd and tie him and Kankuro up. She pushed the two deeper into her closet and then shut and locked the doors, trapping the ninja inside.

Outside, she heard Gaara's pained screams through the gag she placed on him. "Nooo! MAAAPP!" With that, the Sand ninja dusted off her hands and left her room. "Now what to do.."The girl said as she looked around the disarrayed living room. She then remembered the cause of her anger. Kankuro stole from her, why shouldn't she from him? Temari then made her way to the puppeteer's room to do an evil deed. What evil was our heroine about to do?

Just destroy some of Kankuro's puppets, his most prized possessions in the world. What he spent every waking breath talking about and every dream planning for. No big deal.

However, upon arriving in Kankuro's room, she was greeted by the sight of a red headed Akatsuki member gazing at her brother's puppets. "Sasori?"Temari questioned out loud, causing the man to avert his gaze from the puppets and to her. "Kankuro's sister...Temari, correct?"He politely asked, though he was randomly in someone else's room. "Yes..."Temari replied, curious at how she hadn't noticed his presence earlier. Of course, she was SLIGHTLY distracted by imprisoning her brothers in her closet...

"Kankuro takes good care of his puppets."The man remarked. "Yeah."She agreed, still weirded out. "Do you know where he's at?"The puppet asked. "Nope."Temari denied. "Too bad..."Sasori said, skeptic about her response. After a few moments of silence, Temari spoke up. "So...What are you doing here?"She asked the puppet master. "Oh, just waiting."The man replied casually. "Waiting?"Temari asked. "For who?" It was her temporary house, shouldn't she know who was coming to and fro?

"Just the others."Temari's eyes widened. Really? "What others...?"She asked slowly, already knowing the answer before it left Sasori's mouth. "You know, the rest of Akatsuki."At that time, Temari could have fainted right there, but the sound at her front door caused her to stay upright and remain dignified. For now.

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><p>Sasori's a creeper! What a weirdo, in other people's rooms randomly puppet-seeing! Did my praise of Itachi throw you off for your expectations of this chapter? Sorry if it did! Next time: Will Gaara and Kankuro escape from Temari's closet? Who's at the door? How will Temari deal with all of the Akatsuki loitering around her house? Will the channel forever stay on Dora?! These pressing matters will be addressed in the next chapter of Oh the humanity...!<p>

P.S. Thanks a million for reading! I deeply apologize for my inconsistent updates. This chapter was kind of a quickie, as I reeeeaaallly just want to get to next chapter, with the Akatsuki Invasion!OOCness next chapter dudes! Review if you'd like, you can even digitally yell at me for my horrible writing skills or atrocious updating schedule... Anyways, like I said earlier...Thanks for reading! SWIPER NO SWIPING!


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